so its just been one of those days cold icy snow has been coming down and all of the work that seems to implode upon itself at the end of the semester has arrived.  i barely have time to study for the tests i have to take before finials to even worry about studying for them.  Papers and projects run on endlessly and they are working me five days a week. all i really want to do is decorate my house for chrismas and snuggle with my cats reading harry potter. but no wont happen

i was so happy to see you guys how i've missed you i cant wait for winter break so we can all hopefully see each other.  sometimes....its alll too overwhelming...and on top of it i've gained so much wait i'm thinking i'm not going to be fitting into my 115$  size six bridesmaid dress this spring so i have to figure out a way to get it off and keep it off...and stress reduction isnt an option.  such is life i suppose thanks for letting me vent!

 

So first I would just like to say I'm so happy I got to see all of you (minus Maureen =( ) yesterday, yay! =)

To people who yell at me for not informing them of important things, here.  I won't even say anything like "I'm sure people are sick of it by now," because people are sick of hearing me say that too.  So I am telling you all, directly instead of through your own Facebook stalking (which I know would happen), that I am now in a relationship =).  Really for sure officially, unlike before which was less sure and clearly unofficial.  And he gave me a ring with his initials in it, although since it fits his hand it is too big for mine =(.  Today also consisted of lunch at Fazoli's with Trevor and Melanie, dinner with Trevor and 2/3 of his roommates, and watching Wall*E (which p.s. is one of the cutest movies ever).

Other information:  I'm flying out to Illinois to visit him in Decatur over Christmas break, Dec. 31-Jan. 4, and then we're driving from there to Parma until Jan. 6 when he has to head back to Granville to start his paramedic school classes.  That has been in planning about a week but since I don't actually have a plane ticket yet it's still not *definite*, although it is basically definite.

I don't think there was anything else now.  Hope everyone enjoys (blah) starting classes again! =P

EDIT:  I went back and checked all my other posts b/c I didn't believe it, but apparently I have never mentioned that he is an EMT/firefighter and will be starting paramedic school in January...all of which is basically awesome x a whole lot.

I am twenty-two.  woot.  I had a really nice birthday.  I only had rehearsal for about an hour (which has been normal for me lately) so i spent the rest of the day making cupcakes for everyone and going to see the Annie Leibovitz exhibit at the National Portrait Gallery (so amazing).  Then I went out to dinner with all my best friends here, including the two guys I met at church.  So all my BADA friends finally got to meet the "church boys."  It was a lot of fun.  I love birthdays, especially when they are my own =)

Okay, but now I am going to bitch for a little bit, because on Saturday I got the most bittersweet belated birthday present ever.  So I was playing football with the cast of King Lear (random, I know), including their director.  Now, this is the play I wanted to be in from the beginning.  I love the women roles in it.  I even did a Goneril monologue for my audition and thought it went really well.  But I got cast in Bernarda Alba.  And I got a good part in the show, but because the cast is so big, I am literally only this character for one of three acts.  I tried to tell myself that this is an acting conservatory, and everyone is really talented, and the competition is much higher than at home, and only 5 of the 19 girls in the program got cast in either of the two Shakespeares.  So the odds were not in my favor.  But then putting up with this has been more difficult than I thought because nearly all of my best friends in the program are in Lear, and the girls in Bernarda Alba are nice but I'm not really close with any of them.  So while I was terribly happy being with group S for the first half of this semester, the second half with Bernarda Alba has been less than stellar.  So anyway, back to football.  When we were done, the Lear director basically pulls me aside to ask how Bernarda Alba is going and I said "oh, fine".  And then she said to me, "you know, you had a wonderful audition.  I would have put you in my cast, but Jake (the Bernarda Alba director) really fought for you.  Do you have a good role?" That made me feel really happy to know that I did actually do a good job and I wasn't just deluding myself, and the fact that directors were fighting over me is a huge compliment but I WAS SO CLOSE TO BEING IN THE SHOW OF MY DREAMS!  I love Shakespeare and would love more than anything to be a Shakespearean actors.  I am glad that Jake really wanted me, but I did a Goneril monologue.  I made it clear which show I prefered.  And then he got me but gave me 1/3 of a decent part?  I don't understand.  Now I just can't wait for this show to be over with.  I can't believe I was so close... I'm sorry, I know many of you have far bigger problems to deal with than me being like "boo-hoo, too many directors want to cast me and that is just not fair" but you are my best friends and I have no one else I can let out my prima dona bitchy side to.  Thanks for listening. 

Yesterday was my first day of Thanksgiving break - yay!  I had to turn in a paper for my virology class, and that was it - that class was cancelled and I was free for the day, and the absolute most stressful week of the semester is finally over!  So I spent the rest of the day at Denison visiting Trevor, concluding with driving him and Melanie to the airport (although he was the only one who departed there), then driving Melanie back to OWU, and then driving Melanie and Jen Williams home to Parma.  I got home about 3 hours after I originally intended to, in the dark and snow, but it was worth it for the visit.

I've spent most of the time I've been home so far listening to the sweetest CD ever that Trevor made for me =).  And trying to make one for him.  Is that completely lame to just make him the same thing he made me?  Because all I know is I love listening to this, and I feel like it also helps me know him better b/c I get to hear the music he listens to (which, by the way, is mostly country.  I do actually like some country but I usually only listen to it in the context of the few songs I know.  For example, the first song on the CD happened to be my absolute favorite Rascal Flatts song =).  So I guess the point is I like the CD even though it's all probably not what I would normally listen to.)  So anyways, I probably am being lame...oh well.

Can't wait for everyone to be home for break and hopefully get to see everyone!!

Okay, so i shouldn't complain too much because i have a smart partner but oh my gosh i want to punch her in the face and cry.  I feel like an idiot who's being forced to write someone elses words and i just keep seeing her looking at the things I write and being frustrated because it's not what she would say.  She suggested a change and when I started to make it she stopped me because I wasn't typing verbatim what she said.  Some things are dumb too, like I don't like breaking the flow of an argument to say "Aristotle says" before quoting Aristotle.  It's a quote, I can see it's a quote and I read it as such, there's no need for useless words.  I hate talking in this weird "we" or "you" statements as through everyone has to agree with what we're saying because it's the truth or worse that she and i know what everyone else does and should think.  I would rather keep my language in writing so that it only refers to the text.  "We wouldn't say something of the form "Socrates is Leo the Lion"... would be "Something of the form, "Socrates is Leo the Lion" would not be said.  I know this is a minor difference, but that minor difference is something that was changed from what I wrote to what she wanted written.  I just want to scream and I already left the room a few times for "water" just so I would start crying in front of her while she's changing everything I wrote and taking whole paragraphs out of the paper, okay only one paragraph, but I felt like it was important and I had to fight to keep other ones in.  Group papers/partner papers are idiotic.  What's so great about compromise if it stifles ideas?

so i'm not really sure what to post about but i havnt posted in a while...dont worry nothing exciting has happened lately....i havnt been travel europe, or taking care of a baby, or starting a new relationship or anything like that.  THings are okay i've been stressed with work and school but that never really ends....such is life...

This whole last year of school thing is a bad idea.

For one thing, I have absolutely no motivation.  There's essentially nothing I can mess up at this point that will stop me from graduating in the spring besides flat-out failing, and very little I can do that will change my graduate school application outcomes whatever those may be.  So I avoid studying and doing work at all costs (like posting this right now!), and somehow still do fine.  And mostly that just pisses me off.  Yeah it's great that I'm still doing well but you should not be able to coast through college and if you can there's something wrong with that!  And every time that I put off studying a little longer and still do the same as I would have with a respectable amount of time put into it makes me that much less likely to put any effort into it the next time either.

For another, I am so not ready for this whole life thing.  Moving to who knows where doing who knows what at I have no idea what school for the next 5-7 years (that's right, why am I doing a PhD again?) is terrifying.  As much as I don't like change I can handle it much better than I can uncertainty!

There are, however, some perks of senioritis: 1.) Tracing our hands and making paper turkeys to decorate our room with.  And then forcing every visitor we get to decorate one in their own unique way =P.  I made an Indian's baseball turkey; Lauren spent two hours making a completely awesome pair of rock climbing turkeys; Trevor made a paramedic turkey last time he was here =); we also have a turkey that just says "turkey AKA dinner" from someone who was lazy.  2.) Making plenty of time to visit ...people  3.) Installing a doorbell just inside our door (OK, that was Lauren, but it's pretty freaking awesome anyways.  And just demonstrates how far-reaching the senioritis is).  4.) Having roommates just as lazy as you are means there are always people willing to do things.

Hope everyone is doing well!

I'm not even sure how to say it.  It's not exactly toying so I suppose the most accurate thing to say is simply thus:  Kevin is fucking with me.  The problem with that is we aren't fucking and we're definitely not fucking together.  I could have said "screwing" but I would end up with the same problem and the feeling of the severity of what he's doing to me is then missing.

It wasn't a messy breakup.  We want to work things out and be friends or at least friendly.  But if we can't get along while he's across an ocean from me I don't see how we'll manage when we're in the same room and we will be in the same room.  There's a very good chance he'll be in one of my classes and we have a lot of the same friends.  Not talking, generally, is not a good way to foster a friendship, but if the only other option is what has been going on, not talking is the better choice.

When Kevin broke up with me he said it had nothing to do with the relationship because it was great, he just had this deep need to be single again and experience other people.  Kevin has a really hard time making friends/meeting new people when in a relationship because he is always attracted to the people he's interested in/wants to know better/wants to be friends with and he feels like he's doing something wrong.  He said there were things he needed to learn about himself out of the context of a relationship and our relationship had gotten more serious than what he was ready for.  There was also the prospect of him being abroad and then graduating while I have 3 semester past his graduation date to complete and the long distance relationship was a huge strain on us.  If you remember, we broke things off a couple times while I was home.

Here's the crux of the situation.  Kevin has done a number of things since he broke up with me that are not okay.  To begin with he simply has contacted me too much.  Not long after we broke up he called to clarify that he still loved me and his feelings for me hadn't changed, but he couldn't continue in the relationship.  After I had been at school and he hadn't left for London yet, he called to say he was thinking about me.  Before he boarded his plane he called to tell me how much he was going to miss me.  Since being in London, he has been very possessive of me when I told him about things with Jimmy and not wanting to end up hurting him since I wasn't ready to be in a relationship.  We ended up in an argument about me not being allowed to date his friends.  He has told me that he hopes my mom is right, that he'll figure things out and then he and I can be together.  He spoke to me about destiny with the implication that I just shouldn't worry about the break-up because we'll end up together anyway, though he's viewing our breakup as a permanent thing.  Most recently, he sent me an e-mail that ended "just know that i miss you" and when I confronted him about it he said that he meant it the way I read it.  He wants me to move on but he keeps saying these things that make it all the more difficult.

We talked for a long time last night and he agreed that it would probably be best if we didn't contact each other for a while.  He even suggested that he'd change his screen name if i wanted him to do so.  I still love Kevin incredibly deeply and the idea of the rest of your life with someone is scary.  That right there is how I understand what Kevin's doing right now.  But I can't wait around for something that may never come and some things that he's said have been very encouraging for me to wait.  Part of me really wants him to realize he's made a mistake, want to be with me, and for it to be too late.  And a whole lot of me hopes it's never too late.

This is me, not moving on.

That is Swedish for hi, i think.  So on Friday we had auditions and I was placed in The House of Bernarda Alba (we will get our parts on Monday).  I wasn't too happy because that is the all-woman cast and the other two casts are almost all men.  And I would just rather hang out with guys.  But all the girls in the cast with me are really wonderful, and I keep falling for guys in the other two casts who have girlfriends back home, so it is probably better if I just hang with the girls for a few weeks.  And Bernarda Alba really is a great play with some awesome parts for women so I think it will be a good time.

Norway and Sweden have been fun.  I saw my friends Mari and Hans in Bergen, Norway for the weekend and then went to Oslo alone on Monday.  I saw an Ibsen play at the Norwegian National Theatre which was interesting, but it was in Norwegian, thought it was over, and accidentally walked out at intermission.  Then I went to Stockholm to see my friend, Mina, then traveled with her to Jönköping (her university town) and now we are in our last day in Gothenburg.  We saw Mary Poppins the musical in Swedish yesterday.  So entertaining!  Today I will fly back to London.  I think I am ready to go back.  I was excited to get away because people at BADA are really starting to annoy me, but now Mina is also starting to annoy me.  She is just really girly, and that can be cute at times, but I don't know exactly how to explain it--she is not really a ditzy blonde, but she does get so excited every time a boy talks to her--it is something i had forgotten that used to annoy me when we lived in Canada  and being with her for a week now i am just reminded of it.  But it is just over a month until i come home--i can't wait!  when will you all be home?  love you and miss you all!

tonight at dinner alex said something that was completely unforgivable.  there was a story on the news about some vandalism at a school for the blind.  alex said, "the blind kids don't even know about vandalism at their school anyway." 

how could someone be so cruel?  how?  i am disgusted.  and what's worse, i can't even tell him to shut up, or tell him how cruel and mean and ignorant he is.  what's even worse, his mother and father didn't say a damn word.  how is that possible?  how could you let your child think it is okay to say something like that? 

he is another reason i want out of this house.

i love you all and am missing you very much.