This whole last year of school thing is a bad idea.

For one thing, I have absolutely no motivation.  There's essentially nothing I can mess up at this point that will stop me from graduating in the spring besides flat-out failing, and very little I can do that will change my graduate school application outcomes whatever those may be.  So I avoid studying and doing work at all costs (like posting this right now!), and somehow still do fine.  And mostly that just pisses me off.  Yeah it's great that I'm still doing well but you should not be able to coast through college and if you can there's something wrong with that!  And every time that I put off studying a little longer and still do the same as I would have with a respectable amount of time put into it makes me that much less likely to put any effort into it the next time either.

For another, I am so not ready for this whole life thing.  Moving to who knows where doing who knows what at I have no idea what school for the next 5-7 years (that's right, why am I doing a PhD again?) is terrifying.  As much as I don't like change I can handle it much better than I can uncertainty!

There are, however, some perks of senioritis: 1.) Tracing our hands and making paper turkeys to decorate our room with.  And then forcing every visitor we get to decorate one in their own unique way =P.  I made an Indian's baseball turkey; Lauren spent two hours making a completely awesome pair of rock climbing turkeys; Trevor made a paramedic turkey last time he was here =); we also have a turkey that just says "turkey AKA dinner" from someone who was lazy.  2.) Making plenty of time to visit ...people  3.) Installing a doorbell just inside our door (OK, that was Lauren, but it's pretty freaking awesome anyways.  And just demonstrates how far-reaching the senioritis is).  4.) Having roommates just as lazy as you are means there are always people willing to do things.

Hope everyone is doing well!

I'm not even sure how to say it.  It's not exactly toying so I suppose the most accurate thing to say is simply thus:  Kevin is fucking with me.  The problem with that is we aren't fucking and we're definitely not fucking together.  I could have said "screwing" but I would end up with the same problem and the feeling of the severity of what he's doing to me is then missing.

It wasn't a messy breakup.  We want to work things out and be friends or at least friendly.  But if we can't get along while he's across an ocean from me I don't see how we'll manage when we're in the same room and we will be in the same room.  There's a very good chance he'll be in one of my classes and we have a lot of the same friends.  Not talking, generally, is not a good way to foster a friendship, but if the only other option is what has been going on, not talking is the better choice.

When Kevin broke up with me he said it had nothing to do with the relationship because it was great, he just had this deep need to be single again and experience other people.  Kevin has a really hard time making friends/meeting new people when in a relationship because he is always attracted to the people he's interested in/wants to know better/wants to be friends with and he feels like he's doing something wrong.  He said there were things he needed to learn about himself out of the context of a relationship and our relationship had gotten more serious than what he was ready for.  There was also the prospect of him being abroad and then graduating while I have 3 semester past his graduation date to complete and the long distance relationship was a huge strain on us.  If you remember, we broke things off a couple times while I was home.

Here's the crux of the situation.  Kevin has done a number of things since he broke up with me that are not okay.  To begin with he simply has contacted me too much.  Not long after we broke up he called to clarify that he still loved me and his feelings for me hadn't changed, but he couldn't continue in the relationship.  After I had been at school and he hadn't left for London yet, he called to say he was thinking about me.  Before he boarded his plane he called to tell me how much he was going to miss me.  Since being in London, he has been very possessive of me when I told him about things with Jimmy and not wanting to end up hurting him since I wasn't ready to be in a relationship.  We ended up in an argument about me not being allowed to date his friends.  He has told me that he hopes my mom is right, that he'll figure things out and then he and I can be together.  He spoke to me about destiny with the implication that I just shouldn't worry about the break-up because we'll end up together anyway, though he's viewing our breakup as a permanent thing.  Most recently, he sent me an e-mail that ended "just know that i miss you" and when I confronted him about it he said that he meant it the way I read it.  He wants me to move on but he keeps saying these things that make it all the more difficult.

We talked for a long time last night and he agreed that it would probably be best if we didn't contact each other for a while.  He even suggested that he'd change his screen name if i wanted him to do so.  I still love Kevin incredibly deeply and the idea of the rest of your life with someone is scary.  That right there is how I understand what Kevin's doing right now.  But I can't wait around for something that may never come and some things that he's said have been very encouraging for me to wait.  Part of me really wants him to realize he's made a mistake, want to be with me, and for it to be too late.  And a whole lot of me hopes it's never too late.

This is me, not moving on.

That is Swedish for hi, i think.  So on Friday we had auditions and I was placed in The House of Bernarda Alba (we will get our parts on Monday).  I wasn't too happy because that is the all-woman cast and the other two casts are almost all men.  And I would just rather hang out with guys.  But all the girls in the cast with me are really wonderful, and I keep falling for guys in the other two casts who have girlfriends back home, so it is probably better if I just hang with the girls for a few weeks.  And Bernarda Alba really is a great play with some awesome parts for women so I think it will be a good time.

Norway and Sweden have been fun.  I saw my friends Mari and Hans in Bergen, Norway for the weekend and then went to Oslo alone on Monday.  I saw an Ibsen play at the Norwegian National Theatre which was interesting, but it was in Norwegian, thought it was over, and accidentally walked out at intermission.  Then I went to Stockholm to see my friend, Mina, then traveled with her to Jönköping (her university town) and now we are in our last day in Gothenburg.  We saw Mary Poppins the musical in Swedish yesterday.  So entertaining!  Today I will fly back to London.  I think I am ready to go back.  I was excited to get away because people at BADA are really starting to annoy me, but now Mina is also starting to annoy me.  She is just really girly, and that can be cute at times, but I don't know exactly how to explain it--she is not really a ditzy blonde, but she does get so excited every time a boy talks to her--it is something i had forgotten that used to annoy me when we lived in Canada  and being with her for a week now i am just reminded of it.  But it is just over a month until i come home--i can't wait!  when will you all be home?  love you and miss you all!

tonight at dinner alex said something that was completely unforgivable.  there was a story on the news about some vandalism at a school for the blind.  alex said, "the blind kids don't even know about vandalism at their school anyway." 

how could someone be so cruel?  how?  i am disgusted.  and what's worse, i can't even tell him to shut up, or tell him how cruel and mean and ignorant he is.  what's even worse, his mother and father didn't say a damn word.  how is that possible?  how could you let your child think it is okay to say something like that? 

he is another reason i want out of this house.

i love you all and am missing you very much. 

Yep, I'm going to whine. 

Here's the deal.  I love all of my friends, whether I see them everyday or once a year.  But right now, the friends I see everyday don't seem to care.  I see everyone around me forming and advancing this solid life-long friendships and I feel like I have been pushed out of everyone's lives for someone else.  The people I thought that I was closest too, barely call me even to just hang out for like ten minutes. 

I'm aware of the fact that I have changed, but I didn't realize that apparently I'm so unbearable.  I graduate from college in seven months, and I feel like I'm going to graduate alone.  I hate being alone, because when I'm alone I start thinking too much.

People ditch me for pretty much anyone else and I don't know what to do about it.  The rational part of me knows that it's not on purpose and I don't even want to bring it up because I don't want to fight with anyone.  But that other part of me is pathetic, terrified and certain that I will always be alone.

I don't want to drink.  I don't like wasted people throwing up everywhere.  But that doesn't mean that I want to sit by myself in my room every night.  Alcohol just brings up other issues for me, and the people I thought understood that, don't give a crap.

I don't judge people for drinking.  I don't care as long as everyone ends up safe. 

I'm getting tired of pretending all the time.

I'm done now.

Ok first of all...I removed the email for notifications because I don't use that one anymore.  Anyone know how to switch it?  Kthanks.

I really have nothing exciting going on.  Except that Andrew and I cleaned up the basement finally so we can sit out there and have a fire in the fireplace (!!!!!)  and watch TV.  Erin can lay on her activity mat thingee and roll over on her stomach and then get confused.  She's getting closer...I think.  To crawling, that is.  To diagramming the anatomy of a cougar, she's still a ways off.

I so cannot wait for this election to be over.  I don't really have strong enough political feelings as to sit and argue about them at dinner, but Andrew's brother, who by the way is apparantely the greatest thing since sliced bread, is being a complete asshole and does not object at all to constantly interjecting his unwanted opinion.  He's an Obama supporter, which is not my issue.  My issue is that he has already has stated he isn't voting because "it's pointless" and that he "still has every right to complain" about the chosen president even though he didn't contribute a voice to whom the chosen president would actually be.   I'm sorry, but vote or shut up. That's my philosophy.  I stated on Facebook that I would vote for Neil Armstrong if I wanted to, and at this point I may just do that.  I don't want either one of them. 

 

 Armstrong '08!!!

Yeah!!

 

I really hope I didn't offend anyone here, Alex is an idiot and usually whatever comes out of his mouth pisses me off...So I totally love you all completely regardless of your political activity and loyalties!!!!

There has been a good conversation in which it has become evident that everything that has happened between Jimmy and I (foot boy) has been nothing more than what it was.  I talked to him because we were really close Saturday night and in retrospect I felt like I may have used him based on how drunk he was.  In actuality I think I have used him through all of this because I seriously am not interested and don't even know if I could actually be interested in someone other than Kevin right now.  Being physically touched has been very comforting and I've been more affectionate with all of my friends.  I feel a little guilty as though I am using them too.  It was different with Jimmy.  It did feel less innocently friendly and he acknowledges that.  I'm glad to hear we both enjoyed it and it's a relief that there was not other intentions behind it.  For all of the part of me that wanted something to happen there, it would not have been anything more than a way to help me get over Kevin.  We're going to step back from how snugly we've gotten if you will.  He and this girl Becca want to try to date and apparently he was nervous about telling me.  He does not want to screw that up because he feels like there's a lot of potential in that relationship and he has not been in a serious relationship since high school.  That is another reason I'm glad nothing more happened between us because once again with Kevin still factoring in to my emotions so much I could not be in a serious relationship and that's what Jimmy really seems to want.  Becca is super cute and I hope it works out.

So firstly I've been yelled at for not posting about my weekend, which I didn't do because I feel like everyone has got to be getting sick of me saying what an awesome time I have every time and sounding girly-bordering-on-disgusting.  But fine.  I visited Denison this weekend.  Walked around the bioreserve, got some ice cream, played a game, went to dinner, watched a movie.  (And as a bonus, I got to see Melanie!!  Although next time it would be even greater if you didn't have to run off after like 20 minutes...=( )  I had a really amazing time.  Trevor really makes me smile all the time, whether he is trying to or not.  And he is really sweet.  And kind of awesome.

After being prompted indirectly by questions from several sources and my own lack of clarity we finally talked today about where exactly we stand.  Which of course took like half an hour of both of us being completely vague and talking in circles, partially because of (well at least in my case) being afraid of sounding ridiculous and partially because it was fun that way =P.  But we have determined that we are officially "exclusively dating."  And I STILL have no idea what that means.  I don't know if it means "together" or really just "exclusively dating."  Because dating to me does not necessarily imply "together" but I don't really know if it does to him.  But I felt like it was already pushing it trying to have the first part of the conversation online and I would really rather just have the rest of it in person.  Or pretend I'd rather have it in person and still chicken out =P.

Tomorrow are auditions for the shows.  I am feeling good about my audition piece with my friend Blake.  In the evening they will tell us what show we are in and then we go off for fall break.  I am going to visit friends from Canada who live in Norway and Sweden.  I am very excited.

Things are going really well here.  I am just happy.  I miss people back home, like you all of course, but I also have such a short time here and such amazing possibilities that I want to throw myself fully into everything I am experiencing.  The people are wonderful, what I am learning is wonderful, I really just love it.  And yes, I have no idea what I will do in seven months when I graduate, but I'm just not worried about that.  I am in a good place right now, and I have to trust that the future will work itself out because it always does.  Four years ago I didn't know I would live in DC, or Nova Scotia, or London but I have done that because these great opportunities came my way and I just went for them.  I would love to work in theatre in DC or New York and I think it is definitely possible, especially with the technical work I have done over the past few years, but the point is I will do something.  I will find some way to get by.  We all will because there is no way we will not.  Sometimes I feel guilty that I don't have more of a plan and that I am not even really worried about it, but I spent so much of my life being worried and it taught me to be diligent and hard-working, I guess, but otherwise it is really pointless and sucky.  I never had this grand plan that I was intending to follow, and I think that is part of the reason I have been so happy the last few years.  I have just tried to be open to what the universe wants to give me.  And I have been much less stressed, more trusting in my self and my abilities, and more happy in general. 

That's all.

I love you guys.

   so todays my birthday as you all know because i've gotten the facebook messages and the phone calls but somehow i cant help feeling thats not enough...i miss you guys so very very much!  what i wouldnt give for us to be at a makjjam outing right now :( but alas i guess all dreams cant come true just know i'm thinking of you!