seeing kevin again is only weeks away.  sometimes i write him letters.  they're laying in notebooks, on my computer, all over the place.  i'm reading atlas shrugged right now.  it's what he was studying when he broke up with me.  it's weird because as i read it i keep being reminded of us and how real it was.  i'm thinking of him all the time and i'm anxious, excited, and terrified to see him in 13 days.  i just bought him a christmas present, kind of.  well yeah.  i used a gift certificate i got for christmas to order a book i intend to give him.  a book i'm quite willing to keep as my own do i change my mind about it's destination.  through all of me i can't find an inkling of hate to muster up for when i see him.  i can't make it worthwhile to use my pain as a weapon.  i went to visit my uncle this weekend.  it was wonderful but through all of it, i couldn't stop thinking of kevin, thinking how much he would have loved to be there, to see my most beautiful place and understand why it's beautiful underneath all of its ugliness.  because nothing is more beautiful as that which is hidden by the grime and the mud.  i suppose i'm saying all of this in warning, that in 13 days all of this will be crushed, whatever this is.  i'll have to stop only knowing how i feel and find out kevin's lines.  i love him.  and i have no doubt about the truth in that statement.  i'm sorry to disapoint you, but i believe i am still a strong independent woman, and i feel not guilt.